Posts Tagged ‘Captain Planet’

I’m an Environmentalist!

October 24, 2008

I’d like to take this opportunity to reveal a few of my hypocrisies. Now, I would claim to be an environmentalist; I recycle, I support alternative fuel sources, I use the special light bulbs that don’t harm the environment even though I didn’t know my previous light bulbs harmed anything other than the flies and moths that were too stupid to realize that those, in fact, are not the fucking moon, and should not be used for navigation. “OH NO! I’M SPIRALING TOWARD THE MOON AND NOW I’M BURNING! AAAGH!” Evolve. Jesus. Anyways, to get back to what I was saying, the light bulb companies could be lying to me for all I know. “Green” is the new “low carb.” 

You see what the spider has done here? He evolved! Why can't you?!

Coincidentally, the advent of the lightbulb coincides with gross arachnid obesity!

I suppose there are several things that keep me off of my high and environmentally-sound horse.

The first is that I hate environmentalists. I hate them so much. I guess I hate them in the same way that I hate missionaries. Do not try and guilt me into, or manipulate me into, believing your particular cause. That only makes me want to punch you and do the exact opposite of what you are saying. (Pretend that all human beings are smart, discriminatory persons, present them with facts, then let them decide. Your badgering is not required. Asshat.) Catholics and environmentalists use the same tactic. Fear. If you don’t do such and such you are going to hell/cause mass extinction. Then, if you don’t do whatever it is they tell you, they look upon you with disgust and disdain. “What, you can’t afford a Prius? Pfft, you, personally, are damning a child to a life of deformity and blindness in a loveless, burnt world where his parents tell him  that they wish he was never born, every hour on the hour, while giving clothing and food to their cat Fluffy and only feeding the child what Fluffy doesn’t eat. (Read: You aren’t as super trendy as me).”

Now, I don’t act on my impulses to wantonly destroy nature just to spite you goddamn fashion hippies and I don’t drive my SUV through a corn field while spraying aerosol cans into the air and burning Styrofoam and feeding cows beans so that they might aid me in destroying your precious ozone, because I actually believe that saving the environment is a worthwhile endeavor. 

However, here are a few reasons that you might not think that I was environmentally conscious. Also, as a reminder, I do not apologize for any of these actions. I merely find them entertaining.

For the last month, I have been carrying my bike, like a small child, in the back seat of my SUV, without any actual intent to ride it. It’s like I ordered a garden burger at a restaurant but still killed a chicken for the hell of it.

Also, I am wearing a kick-ass Captain Planet t-shirt right now that, more than likely, was made by small children in Indonesia, working in an unsafe environment, while their factory pumps hazardous chemicals into the air, streams, and earth.

Your powers combined are no match for the evil capitalist oppressor!

Your powers combined are no match for the evil capitalist oppressor!

Lastly, if I ever get the chance, I will buy a 1970 Mustang Shelby and feed it as much gasoline as she wants. I’ll keep feeding her and feeding her until she throws up. My pretty little girl. I will then proceed to waste said gas, do as many donuts as possible, while possibly flipping off a flower bed. I’m just saying. It could happen.


Why don't you cry, bush?

Why don't you cry about it, hedge?


I guess that’s about it. Soon, a rant about PTSD, and public nudity.