Your undivided attention.

Just to be straight–this blog is not a “theme blog,” nor is it a blog where I write quirky reviews about pop culture goings on. I’m not here to write emo poetry to the 13 to 15 year old sad-kid demographic. I am only blogging to entertain myself. That means that you will be subjected to the whims of my tangential psyche–thoughts, memories, failures, lolcats, weekend wrap-ups, shenanigans, things I find hilarious, things I find marginally funny, things that aren’t amusing but I find amusing because I made you look at them, things that disgust me, and perhaps the occasional recipe.

Let’s get this thing started, shall we?

Why is it that every small town church I drive by feels the need to preach at me from a roadside sign? Your sign should give information to your congregation, not try and save my immortal soul in passing. I mean yes, it’s better than you knocking on my door during dinner time when I’m watching the fuckinggameGOAWAY! But still. If I wanted to buy into your way of life, I would buy a button down shirt and pretend to pray for an hour in the back pew while checking out all the “unattainable” hotties in the front rows whilst trying to send them psychic messages of passion with my frontal cortex.

Ok. Now let’s pretend that these roadside signs are something that I view with an open mind (I don’t, but we’re pretending remember?). Please get better writers. Seriously. “Soul have cavities? Brush with God!” Really…? I understand that it is extremely difficult to distill an entire philosophy into a single sentence…but uh…maybe you should rethink your approach.

This is called a Kentucky beatdown where I'm from!

This is called a Kentucky beat down where I'm from! (not Kentucky)

I mean, technically the sign doesn’t lie. If one person is not quarrelling it’s generally called “assault” or “an ass kicking.” I get it–turn the other cheek and all that. But surely if attacked, Jesus would have laid the assailant out with a right cross (see what I did there? <— high five?). This same sign, on my way home from work, encouraged me to “Bark less, wag more (translation: less talking, more shaking that ass!)”

I mean, I’ve been called a dog in many different contexts before, but it seems more appropriate to have oh… I don’t know…quotes from the Bible on a sign? It’s been supplying religious zealots with indefensible logic for 2000 years!

USC Fan: Man, I don’t know if USC is going to pull this one out.

Religious Zealot: “And Jesus said unto them…, “‘If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you.'”

USC Fan: Yeah…wait, what? AH DAMMIT! WE LOST!

Religious Zealot: Apparently they didn’t have the faith of a mustard seed!

USC Fan: I hate you so fucking much.

If not Bible quotes, I have another idea for a sign that might draw people to services on Sunday.

FAAAALCOOOOR!!!

YEEEAAAH!!!

OR

Actual Photo

Eat it evolution!

Now that’s the way to get your point accross.

I am the most interesting guy you know.

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4 Responses to “Your undivided attention.”

  1. Steph Says:

    The best way to end any blog, really, is to have a picture of Jesus riding a brotosaurus.

    ALTHOUGH, if he was on one of those pterodactyls I’d be a little more excited.

  2. markhirose Says:

    Falcor? The Luck dragon? Really? The FUCK dragon! UUHHHHH!

    Falcor: AAATTTTTRRRRRREEEEYEYYYYYYYUUOUOUUUUUOUUUUU!!!!!!!

    Atreyu: FFFFAAAAAAALLLLCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOORRRR!!!!!

    Falcor: AAAATTTRRRAAAAAEEEEEEYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOUOUOOUOUOUU!!

    Atreyu: FFFFFAAAAAALLLLLLLLCCKCCOOOORRRRRRRAA!

    The Never Ending Sto-oreee, lalala lalala lalala….

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